This morning I got totally distracted by thoughts of my friend Annie. The thoughts were so persistent that I said to myself, "Fuck. These aren't thoughts, you Fool. This is Annie."
And before you judge me for engaging in negative self-talk (or whatever the kids are calling it these days) I offer you a glimpse into my relationship with the Fool. I adore the Fool. The big zero, the blank slate, the blind frolic, the porter of obtuse wisdom. "The empty fool who knows what he doesn't know," as Annie used to say. The one who - in the end - says, "Fuck it. Let's do this thing." And, ironically perhaps, because as the Tarot card conventionally considered the start of The Heroes Journey, it’s the card that Annie placed at the goal line, the "end" point... that is, when it came to writing. In terms of Tarot, she considered her stories as starting with The World and ending with The Fool. Heck, she taught writing workshops using this model. The process was organic for her, a process that came to her conscious awareness after writing for years.
Annie was a natural storyteller, and a published author. I remember sitting at her dining table, bathed in natural light, sipping tea, tossing cards, talking magic and relationships. She'd start talking and I'd sink in, ready to be mesmerized by her words that laced together in ways that caught me like a fish in a net, trapped in a delight (or doom, or something in-between) that I knew was forthcoming. She spoke in storyteller language. She spoke like a writer, I suppose. I wouldn't know. I'm not a writer. Yet that doesn't keep me from writing. And Annie encouraged me to write. "You should write, Rose." Words that continue to echo all these years later.
I feel her with me. I do, I do. She's with me in my new-found daily ritual of writing 1000-words-a-day. I can't help but smile when I recall my attendance at one of the informal writing workshops held at her home. And by one, I mean one-and-only. If memory serves me, there were four of us in attendance. Five, if you count Annie. She required us to bring a 1000 word sample of our work (image that: 1000 words). The others in attendance, all writers in their own way, brought snippets of story in progress. I brought an adaptation of a meditation I had written, a journey of sorts, open-ended as such meditations tend to lean. She gave us a writing exercise, and set to reading our words. She read like the wind. But more on that later. Maybe. When she was finished devouring our words, she called us back together. One by one she offered input (as well as blue pencil edits), candid and honest, as was Annie's nature. I was intrigued as I witnessed her speaking tempered praise and critical truths to each in attendance, waiting in a shaggy ball of anxiety for my turn. My turn went something like this, "The words are strung together nicely, poetic, but there's no story. You need a story. Take this and keep writing until the story emerges. It's in there, just keep writing. When you discover it, write that story." I don't remember how I felt in that moment, but I do remember the moment. It's a multi-faceted gem of a moment.
I kept writing meditations, because I enjoyed it, and was able to leverage them in my healing practice, and that was good enough for me. Somewhere in this story of words, such as it is, I started a blog. On December 29, 2004 I engaged a daily practice to convey something of meaning, or folly (thank you very much, Fool!) for me, not for an audience. Perhaps this was my way to honor Annie's "You should write, Rose" prodding. For a good while I wrote every day for that blog, sometimes a hand full of words, sometimes more. Times came where daily writing faded, followed again by an insurgence of daily inspiration, and so on in that rinse 'n' repeat kinda way. But now, since the last quarter moon in Capricorn, I've been writing every day, most every one a minimum of 1000 words. This little tangent being the second one I'm sharing. I hear that word, "sharing," and I hear the harmony of Annie's correction, "Publishing. If you're making it public, it's published." She's right. She usually was. Still is, it seems.
And I smile at my memory of her unfettered honesty. That's probably a major factor in why she was such a good storyteller. Stephen King mentions honesty, on repeat, in his masterpiece, On Writing. These mentions of honesty give me encouragement to write, whether the words are for me or for you, because I possess a capacity for honesty that I know is real, partly because so many of my spoken truths have lost me "friends" and other assorted relationships over many decades. A bittersweet realization. Well, in some cases. Truth is, I'd take my own candidness over the majority of those relationships any day.
This brings me back to Annie, as she was one of those rare people I felt safe to express myself sans filter. I could say anything to her. Even knowing that her judgement was at the ready, I was - likewise - ready to speak my truths with her. She was one of those rare people that I could share the meanest, most vile, frightening and absurd parts of me. And more. Sometimes we'd agree, sometimes not, but again - if memory serves - we always ended up laughing.
Laughter. Maybe it's laughter I need to seek. To take the elevator down to those deep, dark mines of creation. Annie used to say that uncovering story and their characters was like going down into a mine, blind and uncomfortable in an entrenched darkness that is - or was, for her - the belly of creation. I recall a time sitting and sipping, this time in her writing corner, talking about this, her process of creative excavation. I conjure that memory in an active way, like the magic that it is, to this moment. I invite myself to the deep-dark, pick in hand, to explore for deposits of poetry 'n' story, laughter or not, and whatever else may be discovered within those dark walls of potential expression.
Yeah. She's here. Right here with me... write here with me? *snort* And so, too, another thousand+ words to practice the mining, and the potential journeys from The World to The Fool.
PS If you’d like to discover more about this Annie of which I speak, I invite you to visit her goodreads page, or engage your search engine using Anne (or Annie) Kelleher, writer.
🕊
.jpg)
No comments:
Post a Comment